TINY TANK. HUGE PERSONALITIES. VERY QUESTIONABLE PETS.

WELCOME TO THE WORLD'S RUDEST PET SHOP

Check out these
little fuckers!

PLEASE DON'T TAP THE GLASS. FEED THEM.
The Dickuarium screen: four swimmers, plants, rocks and a treasure chest
THE BOYS ARE IN.4 swimmers / 1 tiny tank
ONLY
$69.69YES, REALLY.

Meet your new
desktop dependents.

Feed them. Grow them. Try not to make them puke. A palm-sized aquarium with a truly unfortunate cast of characters.

Buy on Etsy

Ships from the US, to US addresses only. Adults only.

Actual pixels from the tank's own renderer, running at 30 frames a second. The real thing is 160 by 128 pixels behind glass, in a palm-sized black frame with blue water and brown sand on every side. Photos coming.

In the box: the Dickuarium and an instruction card. Any USB-C phone charger powers it; cable not included. It is a novelty, not a toy for children.

NO APP ✳ NO ACCOUNT ✳ NO CLOUD ✳ NO SOCIAL SKILLS REQUIRED
THE CARE & FEEDING OF LITTLE BASTARDS

Low maintenance.
High immaturity.

  1. Plug in.

    USB-C power. A tiny world immediately comes to life.

  2. Feed the boys.

    Press the filter on top or use your phone. Watch them chase dinner.

  3. Practice restraint.

    They grow when they eat. Feed too fast and enjoy the consequences.

SMALL TANK. FULL PERSONALITIES.

What it does

  • Four swimmers, four personalities. Each one is born with a growth trait, length or girth, and grows only when it actually catches food. Hair comes in by stages. Full maturity brings a vein.
  • Feed them two ways. Press the little filter on the lid, or tap FEED on your phone. White, wiggling food drifts down through four depth layers; the swimmers chase it and chomp.
  • Overfeeding has consequences. Stuff one too fast and it swims to the middle, gags, and sprays itself back down to baby size. One at a time. The others wait their turn.
  • Neglect has consequences too. A full day without a bite and a swimmer gently shrinks back to baby size while it keeps swimming.
  • A real little tank. Five swaying plants, textured rocks, grained sand, soft caustics, an occasional bubble, and a gold-trimmed treasure chest that opens and burps bubbles.
  • Your phone is the remote. The tank runs its own Wi-Fi. Join it, open the settings page, and you get FEED, a brightness slider, holiday decorations on or off, the tank's name, and firmware updates. No app, no account, no cloud. Home Wi-Fi is optional. It fetches updates only when you ask and learns the date for holiday decorations.

One bite too many. The swimmer heads for the middle, gags, lets fly, and shrinks back to a baby while the others wait their turn. Real engine frames, 15 seconds.

NO APP. NO ACCOUNT. NO FUSS.

Setting it up

Plug in, join the tank's Wi-Fi with the password on the card, open http://dick.tank. That's it. The full walkthrough lives at didyoufeedthedicks.com/setup, and the tag on the side of the tank takes your phone there too: to this guide when you're online, straight to the tank's settings when you're on its Wi-Fi.

Setup guide

THE FINE PRINT, WITHOUT THE FINE PRINT.

Questions you were going to ask

Is it safe for work?
No.
Does it need the internet?
No. Your phone talks to it directly over the tank's own Wi-Fi, and the tank keeps working if you never open the settings page at all. You can give it your home Wi-Fi if you like; it uses that only to fetch firmware updates when you press the button and to learn the date for the holiday decorations. There are no accounts, analytics or telemetry.
Does it collect anything?
No. No account, no analytics, no telemetry. The settings page is served by the tank itself.
What is the Wi-Fi password?
Every tank shares the same one. It's on the card in the box and on the setup page. You can rename the tank from the settings page; nearby tanks will show up with names like Hungry Cocks or Hangry Shafts.
Does the growth survive unplugging?
No. Unplug it, restart it or update it and they're babies again. Feed them slowly and they'll be grown within the day.
How big is it?
About 69 by 39 by 47 millimetres, roughly a deck of cards standing on its side, with the screen filling the front. USB-C power at 5 volts from any phone charger.
What is it made of?
A 3D-printed frame in black with translucent blue and brown panels, a 1.8-inch TFT display, and a small Wi-Fi microcontroller. Designed, printed and assembled by one person in the US.
Returns?
Through the Etsy shop, TheQuarium. Message us there with anything at all.