The Dickuarium
Check out these little fuckers!
Fall in love with these pint-sized penises as you feed and care for these cocks and watch them grow into hairy man meat.
Actual pixels from the tank's own renderer, running at 30 frames a second. The real thing is 160 by 128 pixels behind glass, in a palm-sized black frame with blue water and brown sand on every side. Photos coming.
In the box: the Dickuarium and an instruction card. Any USB-C phone charger powers it; cable not included. Adults only, obviously. It is a novelty, not a toy for children.
What it does
- Four swimmers, four personalities. Each one is born with a growth trait, length or girth, and grows only when it actually catches food. Hair comes in by stages. Full maturity brings a vein.
- Feed them two ways. Press the little filter on the lid, or tap FEED on your phone. White, wiggling food drifts down through four depth layers; the swimmers chase it and chomp.
- Overfeeding has consequences. Stuff one too fast and it swims to the middle, gags, and sprays itself back down to baby size. One at a time. The others wait their turn.
- Neglect has consequences too. A full day without a bite and a swimmer gently shrinks back to baby size while it keeps swimming.
- A real little tank. Five swaying plants, textured rocks, grained sand, soft caustics, an occasional bubble, and a gold-trimmed treasure chest that opens and burps bubbles.
- Your phone is the remote. The tank runs its own Wi-Fi. Join it, open the settings page, and you get FEED, a brightness slider, holiday decorations on or off, the tank's name, and firmware updates. No app, no account, no cloud. Home Wi-Fi is optional and only ever fetches an update you asked for.
One bite too many. The swimmer heads for the middle, gags, lets fly, and shrinks back to a baby while the others wait their turn. Real engine frames, 15 seconds.
Setting it up
Plug in, join the tank's Wi-Fi with the password on the card, open http://dick.tank. That's it. The full walkthrough lives at didyoufeedthedicks.com/setup, and the tag on the side of the tank takes your phone there too: to this guide when you're online, straight to the tank's settings when you're on its Wi-Fi.
Questions you were going to ask
- Is it safe for work?
- No.
- Does it need the internet?
- No. Your phone talks to it directly over the tank's own Wi-Fi, and the tank keeps working if you never open the settings page at all. You can give it your home Wi-Fi if you like; it uses that only to fetch firmware updates when you press the button and to learn the date for the holiday decorations. It never sends anything anywhere.
- Does it collect anything?
- No. No account, no analytics, no telemetry. The settings page is served by the tank itself.
- What is the Wi-Fi password?
- Every tank shares the same one. It's on the card in the box and on the setup page. You can rename the tank from the settings page; nearby tanks will show up with names like Hungry Cocks or Hangry Shafts.
- Does the growth survive unplugging?
- No. Unplug it, restart it or update it and they're babies again. Feed them slowly and they'll be grown within the day.
- How big is it?
- About 69 by 39 by 47 millimetres, roughly a deck of cards standing on its side, with the screen filling the front. USB-C power at 5 volts from any phone charger.
- What is it made of?
- A 3D-printed frame in black with translucent blue and brown panels, a 1.8-inch TFT display, and a small Wi-Fi microcontroller. Designed, printed and assembled by one person in the US.
- Returns?
- Through the Etsy shop, TheQuarium. Message us there with anything at all.